nerdy-nicole asked: Good luck in your poly adventures!
Right back at you renaissance woman.
A lousy introduction.
“The first step to getting the things you want out of life is this: Decide what you want.- Ben Stein”
I always thought that I was someone that knew what I wanted; what I found important. I have always thought of myself as capable, understanding, and open, my needs and wants have always seemed achievable:
- A warm and welcoming place to live.
- A rewarding, and creative career.
- A supportive group of friends.
And,
- Eventually..find a person that I can be completely honest with, some I can love passionately, and deeply, someone with who I can not only grow with, but grow through. To have the kind of love that is unmistakable.
Almost two years ago, I walked into a university classroom and (unknowingly at the time) met the man with whom I now share not only a passionate, deep, and unmistakable love, but a warm, and welcoming place to live. We have shared moments of spiritual transcendence, deep emotional turmoil, and unending joy. We have bared the sticky, oozing, innards of our darkest selves, and remarked how much we love each other, still.
I wake up every morning, in awe at how I have been allowed to find someone who I love so much, and who loves me.
When I was younger I always thought, if I were ever to find “that person” we would:
- talk for hours (check)
- see each other all the time (check)
- support, respect, and cherish each other (check)
- be honest even when vulnerable (check)
- have mind-numbing sexual chemistry (check)
And,
That would be that, Me and “my guy” would ride off into the proverbial sunset, in post-coital bliss, “us against the world”, two for tea, him and I, yadda yadda yadda..
I never thought my ride into the sunset, with the man of my dreams, may contain, a few dozen…okay, an incalculable number of other potential riders.
I never entertained the notion that sometimes my dream man would have the need to pass the reigns to me, and enjoy a ride with another person.
I never thought that I would fall in love, madly, deeply, passionately, and unmistakably, with someone who requires a POLYAMOROUS relationship.
*(A brief explanation, with a little definition clarification from the evil that is Wikipedia):
Polyamory comes from the Greek πολύ [poly, meaning many or several] and Latin amor [love])
[It has been defined as] the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.
Polyamory, often abbreviated as poly is often described as consensual, ethical, or responsible non-monogamy. The word is sometimes used in a broader sense to refer to sexual or romantic relationships that are not sexually exclusive, though there is disagreement on how broadly it applies; an emphasis on ethics, honesty, and transparency all around is widely regarded as the crucial defining characteristic.
In contrast:
Monogamy comes from the Greek words “μονός”, monos which means one or alone, and “γάμος”, gamos which means marriage
The idea that my version of “unmistakable love” would be anything but a duo never entered my mind. I never labeled myself as a monogamous, because I didn’t have to; any romantic or sexual interests assumed monogamy by unconscious default, so did I. I did not view monogamy as what it is, a VERSION of love, but as PROOF, a necessary feature of love’s very definition. This thought process is inherent to many people, and our society does everything it can to reinforce it for a myriad of reasons.
We are promised by movies, music, art, advertising, and our own social circles that; “Love means two”, once you “find the one” everything you need with be undeniably, and exceedingly given to you by this one person.
But what if that’s not the case? ….
What if you find someone who makes you happier than you’ve ever thought, who respects you, loves you, and finds beauty in your darkest moments, but who happens to need to be sexually involved with other people?
Does that mean that the love is not real? Are their declarations of devotion any less honest? Your sex any less explosive?
Right now, my answers to those questions are a resounding: NO.
My lover definitely satisfies me emotionally, as well as sexually. We have held each other until our breathing has synched, and forgiven each other when our words have turned caustic.
But, with that said I still view myself as largely monogamous, and sometimes what I have been told I should want clashes with what I have ( even though it exceeds so many of my expectations), and I find myself feeling: spent, unattractive, vulnerable, and all around shitty.
My prince charming does not look like I thought he would, and societies expectations sometimes whisper in my ear that I’m getting the short end of the stick.
It is hard to be in a polyamorous relation-ship, it is asks you to do one thing if nothing else: WORK.
Polyamory tends to create relationships built on trust, honesty to oneself and ones partner, and of compromise. You have to rebuild your ideas on what love is, of what happiness, and sexual gratification can be.
You have to reprogram your brain to understand that love does not have limits, there is no limit on how much love one can receive or give, and that a persons attraction to one human being does not lessen the amount that person can be attracted to others.
I’m learning this, like a young tadpole, I’m fresh to this world, a veritablePoly-wog.
I’ve come to the conclusion that if the “short end of the stick” equals, understanding, honest, and passionate love, then I guess I will take my stick short, thank you very much.
So,
I created this blog so that people having problems, with love, sex, and relationships, could get advice from someone in a polyamorous relationship.
Why? Because:
- Polyamory requires you to think not only about your needs, but the other person constantly, it requires you to not only accept your partners identity within the relationship, but outside of it.
- Poly forces you to not only imagine, but confront the parts of your partner; the wants, and needs, that don’t, and can’t include you.
- Poly forces you to take responsibility for your own happiness, as well as the happiness of your partner.
I feel that regardless of a relationship is poly or not, the fundamental ideas that your relationship will:
- Not always be perfect
- Anything worthwhile takes work, and love is definitely worthwhile.
Are important and valuable ideas to remember, and I want to help more relationships grow through an honest, open, and loving, form of relationship understanding.
I’m not saying I’m a guru, an expert, or that I’m genuinely more qualified than others, just bored, and in love with love.
So please lovers : Ask me questions, leave me your concerns.
